how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
