Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
