Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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