He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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