At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You were trust falling into bushes
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
