I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
