I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
