if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
