I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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