so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
