It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We have started to decorate penises.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Will exercising make me less horny?
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