don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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