remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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