if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
