Pants 0. Shit 1.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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