That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize