It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
