Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
