we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
