Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Text me some of your sweat
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
