She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
