What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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