that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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