There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize