everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize