You can't special order awesome
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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