Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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