I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
