we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
