if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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