why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
