The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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