On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
