saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
