I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
