you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
