Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
