I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
