His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i drank out of a bidet.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
