Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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