Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
