Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Drake has all the answers
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize