Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
