walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
