Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
