Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
