do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
