We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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