I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
one might say we're banned from that church
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
