thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
