the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
