you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
