One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
