I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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