Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
