P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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